Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes:
Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some
sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly;
stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find
out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid
entity who could travel at great speed in a craft
powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the
winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from
the heavens to reward its followers and punish its
disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by
parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't
believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out
the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore
through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a
hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder,
this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without
remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing
can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get
in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign
of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the
fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some
huge creature landed on the roof and came down the
chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches
wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in
all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this,
but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the
creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding
its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red
and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned
away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on
the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my
mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW
I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to
disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe
in some supernatural being who soars across the skies
and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen
to what you are saying. Do you understand the
repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the
X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are
sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio
telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over
twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a
Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized
Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo
in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper -
was told about it. The government doesn't want people
to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this
thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop
spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping
frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully,they
cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it
takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I --

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the
matter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wish I could take credit for having written this -
it's funny!